Change starts long...

......before we recognize that it’s actually happening.

July 2008, my accountant calls to inform me that my retirement account has taken a hit of devastating proportions, leaving me with a third of what I once had.

Days later, the weirdest sensation began to pulse on the side of my head. I would go on to describe it as a baby’s foot, pressing into my brain.

What followed were two days on the couch, and a number of Extra Strength Tylenol Capsules.

What followed that was the news that Random House had decided not to renew my Geneva Holliday contract. And to make matters worse, my historical novel: Glorious – had been rejected by what seemed to be - everyone and anyone in publishing industry.

So you can imagine. I was feeling kind of….sad…insecure…and uncertain about my future.

And what followed ALL OF THAT were the incessant bouts of vertigo.

I went to my doctor who sent me to a neurologist. I had a brain scan, which did not reveal a mass or tumor.

Ok. Then it must be stress from the worry that flanked me day and night.

I had two mortgages, a car note and a child in college – how in the world was I going to juggle all of that with no income and very little savings?

In any case, I forged ahead. I continued to shop Glorious and began putting together proposals for projects that I thought would be snatched up – lickety-split – but nothing happened. It was as if the world that I had been apart of for so many years, had just picked up and moved on.

Christmas arrived, and I made the best of it, with the little that I had. I bought a cheaper, smaller tree. The same went for the Christmas gifts. The holiday meal I prepared couldn’t hold a candle to ones from previous years. But I told myself that those things did not matter as much as the fact that I had my family and friends around me.


January 2009 waltzed in and with it I made the first of many withdrawals from what was left of my retirement account.

The months that followed are a blur. I remember cold, gray days and a lot of writing.

Spring arrived, and with that came the idea to query Akashic Books. By August, the deal was inked and Glorious had finally found a home.

September crept in and I looked up and my birthday was staring me in the face. I had a small party – but I was miserable.

I was barely sleeping. The vertigo and the headaches were so bad – that I admit- sometimes I wished that God would just take me in my sleep. I thought, it would be all for the best, because after all, I was worth more dead than I was alive.

And then October. Autumn was struggling with summer – on the account that summer did not want to bid her adieus. I hopped in my BMW and headed South.

I loved hitting the open road. I savored the alone time with my thoughts. I cherished being able to turn the volume up and sing as loud and as off key as I wanted. I liked the moon roof. Needless to say, I had an undying love affair with my car.

That trip was special; because it would be the last road trip I would take in it. I could no longer afford to keep it and would have to surrender it to new owners.

Now, some of you maybe reading this and thinking that above all the other problems I had – relinquishing my car was kind of superficial. And I get it. But what my car meant to me was freedom. Freedom to travel great distances when I couldn’t afford a plane ticket. Freedom to escape from the four walls…of my mind.

I was angry. Angry as hell. And that anger, combined with the stress I’d been experiencing bubbled over resulting in The breakthrough that came disguised as a breakdown.

It was after that, that I launched Sugar’s 10K Book, 10th Anniversary Campaign.

(I still don’t know if I've met my goal – but that is another story for another post)

Christmas again. A friend of mine gave me a blank check as a gift. I was astonished.

I looked at it an asked: “What is this for?”

He said: “Pay your mortgage.”

This marked another change in my life. I had suddenly become the receiver. I am very uncomfortable in this role… but I am told, if I say no, I will be messing with the blessings of the giver.

January 2010.

I always travel in January. I do not want to be here on the day my father died. I was not a fan of Gold – but I had a few old pieces lying around and so I sold them. And oh, joy I had airline miles and American Express Points. So I flew off to Honduras for a week of sun, sand, sea and reflection.

On my return, I thought: That was a selfish, frivolous and stupid thing to have done. But what’s done is done….

Months come and go. Some are better than others…and then May arrived and with it the official publication of Glorious….and the magic began to swirl…….


Fast forward….


So here I am. Here we all are. October 2010 – 2 years and 3 months after my life began to shift.

Glorious – the little book that so many people refused to take a chance on, is doing quite well.

And me… Well, I am doing better.

I don’t have a car, or the money I once had. But I have a roof over my head and I have my sanity and I have love and support. I have the serenity that comes along with the knowledge that everything truly does happen for a reason.

I have my unshakeable faith.

Bernice L. McFadden