Sunday, February 17, 2013

Journeys of the Heart.. #LifeAfter

I believe that this will be the most difficult challenge I've ever been charged with. Even as I type these words, I think about how many other times I've written them..typed them..uttered them...moaned and screamed them...but this my friend, I believe, is the real deal.

I mentioned in a previous post that my mother is experiencing some neurological issues. It has not yet been determined if it is dementia or Alzheimer's - but it is most certainly one of the two.

Over the past few days I've been a lone observer to the erratic mood swings and forgetfulness - and let me say, that it is a scary, scary thing.

I have to keep reminding myself that this mother of mine who for the most part seems like a stranger - is indeed my mother. Our resemblance is uncanny. I am her child and she is my mother.

There has been a lot of gritting of teeth, much inhaling and exhaling, pulling of hair and yes, tears.

I'm struggling with feelings of resentment. Trying to manage this new level of frustration, while the questions of Why me? Why her? Why us? and Why now?  swirl like a storm in my head.

I want my mother back. The mother that raised, loved, protected and encouraged me. I want her back.

I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle this on my own - but I look around and see that I am alone.

  • Bernice L. McFadden

    Nicole Whitlow Services said...

    Hi Bernice, My father's mother and grandmother, who both helped raised me, succumbed to "forgetfulness" as they aged. How they changed and acted was funny until the physical symptoms of this started to manifest. I am sorry to hear this is happening to you. It's your mom so you're kind of stuck with no choice but to cope. Hang in there!

    I discovered that Nicotine Patches have been used by doctors to treat Alzheimers. I found out in my research on what exactly I was putting in my body when I was trying everything to kick that habit. I still wear them periodically, when I really want to write for a very long time and stay up for two or three days in a row. Minus the smoke and cigarette chemicals, nicotine naturally repairs nerves and stimulates memory. There is also a side effect called "vivid dreams"--where my dreams turned into big bright movies, usually with the same places, things and people I had thought about, seen or spoken to very recently. It was like a recent rewind of my life in my sleep. I always try to take it off because it is very weird to see your life play out like a bizarre, fleshed out soap opera in your dreams!

    But these are the side effects of the Patch that researchers found actually helped patients with dementia and Alzheimers. There is no harm to wearing a Patch but I think heart rate and blood pressure should always be monitored no matter what. I hope you try this or something else that works. I will be thinking of you!


    Anonymous said...

    Please know that you are whole-heartedly not alone even if the wealth of it feels lonely. I experienced the same thing with my beloved grandmother and she and I endured together until the day she took her last breath. As I near the one year anniversary of her passing I look back on those moments and know that despite the anquish and frustration of her condition, I still had her with me and would give anything to endure her memory loss for one more moment in time just to hold her hand in my own. Savor these moments as much as those when she was well. Time passes too quickly and change comes when we least expect it but remember you only have to reach out and ask and you have "friends" and "family" that you would least expect to help you get through. If nothing else, please feel free to reach out to me to vent. If I can be a shoulder for you to lean on please know that I am here and willing. I will keep you and your mother in my prayers.

    Warm regards,

    Deborah Mello

    Tiffany Hamilton said...

    Many blessings your way, God does not put more on you than you can handle. I know it is easier said than done, but you will make it;)

    ASV said...

    we are here with you. my mother has dementia and it was living hell getting her to transition into a safe place. many people have been in the spot you stand in, and please know that anyone who has sends you love and support.

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